ATZILUTH, MY BELOVED HOME
ATZILUTH, MY RESTING PLACE
ATZILUTH, MY FINAL DESTINATION

The Beloved is a war-torn veteran, who is looking for a new peaceful life far from the battlefield. The war has torn him so much that he became loner, rather paranoid and develops a rare obsession about data…an effect called Combat Fatigue. He try so hard to cure this with a little effect because…..sadly….the war always looking for him

The Beloved is a pacifist; always try to avoid conflict with anyone or anything. If everything can be solved with a diplomatic way, he prefers to do it rather than an open frontal way. He always tried to maintain balance & his neutrality. However, this doesn’t mean he can’t fight…he just don’t want to. The Beloved can be your most truthful friend who will die for you & your cause and The Beloved can be your worst enemy who will make sure you suffer & die smoothly.

Some says The Beloved were frightening. This is due his nature as a shell for something he doesn’t want to reveal. He always says that his purpose of life is to seal something, and he is quite ready to be called back (that how he described death). He also says that he just waiting his visa to be signed.

The Beloved was a family man. He will protect and care his beloved one to the death even beyond it because, for him that is what remains from his belonging. He says we can buy house, we can acquired wealth, we can takeover a nation, but a good happy family is a gift from God and to maintain it is one hell of a job.

The Beloved now were looking for someone who will succeed him.He just wants to pass his knowledge.He himself feel that he is growing too old and need to settle down continuing life as it is.His days are now counted although he never knows when it ends.

The Beloved was a commando unit,able to work alone on any multiple tasks without the help of others.The world has taught him to grow up like that, to trust no one,to be always perfectionist,to set a high standard in everything,and to maintain “I can do it by myself” kind of attitude.Sadly,all of his ability comes with a terrible price, his lack of social and interpersonal skill.He like to be alone and stay in the shadow,watching people passing by.He keep his grief, pain and suffering to himself Nobody know what happened to him until suddenly they see him lying on a hospital bed, with a bloody arms and said “I’m okay,never been to better than this” or until suddenly he collapse in a bench with a pain in his face but he keep smiling & said “don’t worry,just an error in my system,it’ll better soon”.

The Beloved lack of social and interpersonal skill cost him greatly in many social situations.That’s why he spend most of his time alone in a solitary place.He decided to be alone not because he hate people,but because he not used to people or to life inside a group.He always had been an outsider for most of his life until now.He live alone and he die alone.People for him is a new experience.

The Beloved's wars were far from over although most of the people said that the war for his generation is already over.He himself was also tired from this war but sadly,he can’t quit now because he still has mission to do as a sweeper for his generation.And he just want to atone from his past sin,that maybe there is a salvation out there for his soul
   

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Life is just a way, a way toward some place, toward some time, toward some mission........and finally toward our home




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    Thursday, July 21, 2005
    Another Enlightment……..or ………………Another Trend That Soon Fade Away?

    There a nice film I see lately on the theatre. The film called “Gie” based from Soe Hok Gie diary entitled “Catatan Harian Seorang Demonstran” (for those who don’t know Soe Hok Gie, he is one of the leaders of the demonstration against Soekarno’s regime back in the 60’s. He is a student from University of Indonesia, Faculty of Letter [now Faculty of Cultural Science], and Majoring in History…………..and if you are an Indonesian and doesn’t know about this………. where have you been for all the time of your life??? You should at least dig your history material and find out about it…except you are an Indonesian barbarian nomadic tribe).

     

    I were delighted when I see this film, the filmmaker really got the soul of the time and space…..they really got the scent of Indonesia, especially Jakarta in the 60’s. I enjoy much of the show until finally I realize something….something rather strange, not about the movie, not about the filmmaker, not about the actor (despises that actor was a famous rising star young actor name Nicholas Saputra……….my friend say that he still cannot break away from the symbolical of Rangga, his early character in the famous movie AADC / Ada Apa Dengan Cinta ….he looking good in “Gie” thanks to the filmmaker that really great about building the scent……..but enough of the correction, let my friend comment it later on)…….. but more about the audience. I felt quite surprised to see many of the audience were in fact teenager about 13 to 19 with the most new trendy look……….or usually called AGJ or AGATA (Anak Gaul Jakarta/ Jakarta Spoiled Kid)……I quite surprise to see them coming to the movie, with the republish “Catatan Harian Seorang Demonstran” book at their hand to see their nation’s chapter of dark history………………….

     

    But then again, I ask myself…why this AGJ interested suddenly in this thing….a thing that they usually prefer to ignore………(well many AGJ were rather bad in the historical lesson)………..why this happen?

     

    Then I remember the question of my friend when she become a moderator for “Gie” movies campaign in my campus…….it’s not a coincidence to say that the filmmaker were corporate with The Historical Club from University of Indonesia, Faculty of Cultural Science, History Department…..my friend ask this to the audience…….”do you come here to see and learn about Soe Hok Gie?? Or just want to see Nicholas Saputra and ask for his autograph??”………………you can guess the answer for yourself, most of the audience were agree that they want to see Nicholas Saputra and the rest of the actor rather than learn and see Soe Hok Gie……..it’s a shame thought……..

     

    Now….as I dive deeper and deeper to the AGJ data, I was sad to see that they don’t even knew what they’re seeing or read. They just see “Gie” not because they interested in him or want to know more about his spirit…….they just see it because they want to see the cast of the movie. The same goes with the book, they want to buy it just to show everyone that they have the book…whether or not they understand the real meaning stored in the book. Everything just a trend for they to follow……what saddens me more.


    When I entered the theatre again to learn more about it, I hear people talking…”eh Nico keren yah …Nico gitu loh….blablabla…etc” (Nico were soooo cool…….blablabla…etc). And the conversation goes on after they came out from the theatre…… “Eh….udah punya bukunya blon??.........udah  tuh…………rada boring sih isinya, but anyway gambar Nico di situ keren………lagian kalo ndak punya kan gw bisa dianggap  ndak ngikutin………..blablablabla….etc” (sorry it’s hard for me to translated most of it)……...

     

    I was silent when I hear it……..I can’t speak anything……..then I pass by some magazines stall, and I saw how the media promote the film greatly……..when I looked inside, I see how they forgot about the spirit of Soe Hok Gie. Rather than speaking of him, they lok toward the commercial side, and of course the mainstream side, that is of course more about the cast or so. Most of the media especially the youth magazine were only post the stuff of the film and the cast……rather than the true meaning and the pain of the film….the true meaning and the pain that Soe Hok Gie felt when he wrote his diary.

     

    I don’t blame Riri Reza & Mira Lesmana, the filmmaker for all of this…….they were gambling to make this movie, gambling with their life at stake because some material of this film were forbidden to show in the public, save to make. The PKI Flag (PKI stand for Partai Komunis Indonesia or Indonesia Communist Party), the Genjer-Genjer song…that were forbidden this day by the law….and of course by the public authority such as the police, the MUI, and so on…and need more than a letter of permission to get the material done, because the material maker itself were afraid to make it…lest that they were judge as communist and got caught.

     

    I don’t blame the cast either…….they work their way hard on this film……to get the aura of the dark period of Indonesia need more than a struggle to life……and I as the audience, appreciate what they work so hard……..they make me remember the war I once felt on the early years of my campus…..my years generation were the last to face the war to change this nation.

     

    I just………….sad to see how ignorance this generation has become….the so called AGJ generation……….I was relieved to see how they not even care about their history….save to care their nation…they forgot that their happiness were a result of many sacrifice done by a people like Soe Hok Gie………..they happy state were in fact a goal that people like Soe Hok Gie trying to make……so the future children of Indonesia don’t suffer like Soe Hok Gie suffer………………………..I just see the AGJ generation only care about their cloth, their trend, and of course they shape….a shape soon vanish when the time comes.

     

     

    I ended this with one quote by an anonymous historian that says……”The people that forgot and ignore their nation history were lesser than a barbaric people”


    Posted at 7/21/2005 10:53:02 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comments (8)  

    Arrogance?.......or simply Ignorance?

    I wake up this morning feeling staggered…….very cold today indeed. As I look into the sky, the nature seems cloudy again, seem like going to be rain soon enough. Then I wondered myself……this is the month of July isn’t it? Then how come it still raining heavily because we are in the middle of dry season? Yesterday were raining, the day before yesterday were more and more raining……………and today were not differ than yesterday…….there’s been heavily intense rain for about a week or so

     

    Then I question myself…….what the problem……what happen to the Mother Nature? And then I question myself again……..is this the way how nature want to taught us? To remember us how arrogance we become? To make us realized how small we are in the presence of nature? To let us see that we were merely a dust in the wind?

     

    Well…….human has been very arrogance lately…….I see many report about illegal logging, a powerful country that doesn’t want to sign and act for the new environment act, people who like to litter everywhere, some top artist cloth with a endangered animal species soon to be extinct, and pollution from some spoiled little brat (my friend use to called them AGJ or AGATA – stand for Anak Gaul Jakarta / Jakarta Trend Kid) modification car...............and the list goes on

     

    I hear people in many TV channel urged people to keep the environment healthy, but I doubt many will hear about it. Maybe many will do it because it is the trend for today…..like when there is a large scale earthquake in Aceh and everybody push forward to help……..but how about for tomorrow? Do human really care? Do we really care? Or maybe we only care when it’s already threaten us, our existence….but if it is right, maybe it’s already to late.

     

    Every time I remember about this problem, I always imagine human as a great locust swarm, they migrate from one place to another, they thrash the field…..and they move on to another field to thrash it again….and the cycle goes on. The locust doesn’t even care about planting back for further use……

     

    Do Human the so-called “The finest of God’s Creation” were fallen so low like a locust? And then again, do human ourselves, our believe that make us fallen….because we are believe we are the finest creation and so we can do anything we want as the finest of all creation? And we forget about balance between chaos and order of nature?

     

    And then…the nature get pissed of, launching a series of campaign against human with all the nature got on its sleeve…….earthquake, tsunamis, tornado everywhere………and then, after all the catastrophes, we human finally realize the need to preserve the nature……………………………….or do we? Or we just angry and blame it to God? (Yeah…..blame it to God!!! God doesn’t care does He!!! Or maybe He care but we doesn’t want to hear His warning because our arrogance and ignorance)………….or we blame it to the government….or somebody else as long as we got a scapegoat to blame……and then human ….will never grow up. Do human really need a redeemer?


    Posted at 7/21/2005 10:50:10 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comment (1)  

    Monday, May 09, 2005
    enough..............

    okay.....alright......enough.......
    I had enough of all this mess, no more doing the stuff......no more trying to help somebody in need........no more even care about all of it......
    i decided to take a break, quit, and repairing my life.............. out of this kind of mess
    had to move on............doing the best for a long run.........]
    ............and yes, i'm not sealing myself.....i just need a very long vacation.......disappear for a while, enjoying myself & of course my life..........not thinking about any of it
    just meditate........and have some fun

    Posted at 5/9/2005 12:07:02 am by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comments (2)  

    Tuesday, May 03, 2005
    ..............what happened with me???????

    for the past few weeks or so, i keep asking myself.....what am i, who am i, what is wrong with me.......

    i know i tried so hard to fixs my problem, try so hard to complete my circle

    ......and suddenly i let loose my dark nature that i tried to be remain sealed in my body.......and then you can guest....shit happen.....i'm falling into my darker mind and i do the darker thing...

    i don't know how to describe it....but i know i breaking my rule, trespassess the border that i made, and i'm too reckless...trying so hard to take away the pain of my system

    after that....i try to iniciated my self-destruct sequence, blaming and blaming myself for all the ruins i made......but i can't....

    the self destruct sequence were canceled by something i don't even know what it is ( may be GOD???don't know), and i am...........sitting on ashes and wearing a sackcloth......blaming all to myself for all the ruins.....

    how can i redeem? how can i blot all the sin i'm doing? how can i fixs the ruins i made?

    i ask to GOD why GOD made me........

    i ask to GOD why i have this.....why i can't become just a simple human like everyone else, or at least become just a simple standard newtype just like every newtype i meet.......

    why o my dear GOD, why..............i still alive with this kind of state....

    why......do You put "The Most Beloved" into my body.....

    why.......do You gave this hardship...beyond anything i have dreamed about........

    what i really am? who i really am......please answer me my beloved GOD......

    Posted at 5/3/2005 12:14:36 am by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comments (5)  

    Sunday, April 17, 2005
    pain.....sorrow....grief

    I dont know why, for the past weeks 'till now i felt something wrong and i cannot describe why i feel it.

    I admit for the past weeks and so, i spend my time practicing Theater, preparing preformance for MURI (Indonesia Record Museum) 24 Hour Record Breaking Theaterical Performance, and i work for 2 different Theater......Theater Teladan (because i'm a member of it since my Highschool & i'm starting online again in it) and Theater UI (because that's my campus Theater & my junior in Theater Teladan who were also study in my campus found out my existence). The performance work successfull, everyone happy, the record were broke out, and greeting each other.............................................

    But...........somehow.........i feel grief......i feel sorrow, pain in my chest.........and another emotional unstability...................seem like, i have to go...........that my time where so short........and loneliness even to know the fact that i'm in the middle of a big celebration......

    I try to keep low, keep everything check, keep to handle all the feeling inside, keep to stay focus for my work and go on with it..........but i can't even handle myself when i watch "Hitam Putih" performance in the stage........i'm so absorb in it until tears suddenly flow from my eyes.

    I know the burden i'm carrying where such a heavy one and until now, no one can carry it except me.............but i'm grow too tired to carry it myself without anyone helping or at least anyone to become my companion along the way to ease my pain.

    I'm sorry God if i such a cry-baby, but i can't run away from the fact that i have my own flaw
    Please, give me strength at least for today so i can make it through the day

    Posted at 4/17/2005 10:16:18 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comment (1)  

    Thursday, March 31, 2005
    finally......some action

    Finally, after some hard work & so many things to do, i wrote again.

    Today i have some topic that i had in mind when i start to play "Risk Your Life" (damn Yogi, he made me enjoy playing this)

    The main thing i want to write is, Human tend to be so cruel and obviously & absolutely insane to "others" that is not categorized as a Human being. For example, in warfare rule & code of honor, human were forbidden to decapitated or taking life of Prisoner of War.....but that only work for Human againts Human. What if the war is not Human againts Human, but Human against "Other being" that's not qualified as a human? Human will exdposed it's true nature as a top predator of all, a predator that" more devil than a devil itself".

    This topic remind me of a very good film i saw on TV a long time ago, a film called "Space : Above and Beyond". the Film picturized clearly some true nature, cruelty, and insanity of human when its battle their non-human enemy. The main culprit itself in the movie were the Human ( the corporation for exactly ). Because their supreme lust for total wealth, they wage a war that make all Human race fight for them.......the rest were total damnation that you have to see it for yourself.

    Why i mention this??? Lately, people tend to categorized humanity itself. Where you not a part of some category, you were labelled as"non-Human" or "Other". The Totally & Fanatically Moslem labelled the non-Moslem as a "dog" because they are not a Moslem, The Ultra-right Jews labelled the non-Jew as "something more lesser than a dog", and so the story goes on.

    Why people look at other as a lesser being because he or she is different than everybody else??? Why people categorized other with their own measure?? Do you know that you will be judge with the same measure you judge??

    Posted at 3/31/2005 4:13:55 am by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comments (2)  

    Thursday, March 17, 2005
    Something to answer......for my beloved friend Sisie

    Last Night, Sisie, my junior & my Friend Ruli's girlfriend asking me some question that quite interesting for me. She asking why i'm turning mainstream lately. She is notice that something changing in me. My Dress style, my hair style, and all my behaviour were suddenly changing toward the so called mainstream culture and She point out that there is some reason behind all of this.

    Well, i still the good ol' Aryo here, despise all the changing in me. I still with all my idealistic thinking and some sort of it. But.....yes, i like a coin with 2 sides in it, trying to comprehent the changing situation to get along better. As you know from your observation, that i'm a Gemini with a dualistic nature, i try my best to coop-up with the current situation as i possibly can. I prefer called myself a Mirror, because people tend to see me just as they want it to be. I just enjoy it as everyday i enjoy myself.

    One thing for sure that at least i have to move on, to keep on going. Find a better job, finish my college, and settle myself. I can't just like this and wander, or just stuck here without any forward plan anymore. Even thought i don't really like the mainstream culture, but i try to educate them slowly with the way they can except them. But if it's their choice to stay ignorant......let them take the consequence by themself, that not my problem.

    i hope i can answer your question with it but i belive it's not enough for you, so we can keep discust this later on

    Posted at 3/17/2005 3:32:30 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comments (2)  

    Thursday, February 17, 2005
    Casshern ni Yarareba..............

    There is a great film i were waiting for.....okay the film were already show in Japan but i really really wanted to see it......AGAIN. The main theme of this movie is about "why must we keep fighting". Set in an unique Retro-Futuristic Alternate World, "Casshern" address this theme in a powerful drama. The theme itself for me were quite heavy and basic, theme about what we are and who we are, and why we keep fighting among each other, and why we must keep fighting for ourself. Enjoy the movie, it's one of the most beautiful movie i have see and i just want to see it again & again

    Story taken from the official site : 

    An alternate world with an alternate history.

    The entire planet was divided between two opposing alliances.
    After fifty years of bitter warfare, the Greater Eastern Federation triumphs over the forces of Europa and gains dominion over the Eurasian continent.

    However, this is an empty victory. Years of chemical, biological and nuclear war have poisoned the land and left an exhausted population at the mercy of every pestilence and newly-mutated disease.

    It seems that there's little hope for humanity's future. Debate rages over the chances of finding some way to stave off the seemingly-inevitable decline of civilization.

    One man comes forward with a possible solution. Dr. Azuma is a geneticist who proposes a "neo-cell" treatment that can rejuvenate the body and regenerate humankind. He's driven in his studies by a desire to save his beloved wife, Midori, from the ravages of pollution-related disease.

    He appeals for funding to the government but the politicians in the Health Ministry turn him down, fearing that the new technology will threaten their entrenched powers.

    However, a sinister faction in the powerful military makes a secret offer to provide the support he needs to further his research.

    When an incident occurs in the lab that sends the Professor's "neo-cell" cloning experiment haywire, a race of mutant human beings (Shinzo Ningen) is unleashed upon the world.

    Instead of being the savior of mankind, the Professor's miraculous technology looks set to threaten its very existence...


    This picture is one of my favorite picture for the leasing of the movie

    Posted at 2/17/2005 10:26:21 pm by The Beloved Lucifiel
    Comment (1)  

    Monday, February 14, 2005
    something regarding The Valentine Day

    Many people say (mostly, young people) tonight is a Valentine Night, and tomorrow was a Valentine Day. For many people that celebrate it, Valentine Day was a Love & Lovers day, a day when u buy a beautiful Valentine Gift or Chocolate for your beloved one, spend a romantic evening in a candle light dinner, take a walk hand-to-hand with your beloved one, and spend moat of your time in love &romantic thing with your beloved one, etc. The main point is, due to the popular belief, u have to be with ur beloved one went The Valentine Day comes, or u are just an unlucky person that happen to have such a disaster misfortune event. But there some question arose, do they know about the origin of The Valentine Day? I believe they only know a very brief history of the event (if they really know...sigh). As far as i can get, many people just know a very little fact about The Valentine Day. Many just don't want to even care about the real meaning of the event, they just take a little bit of it and make a fun of it.

    okay we will start from the beginning. The History of the event were based from the martyrdom event of Saint Valentine in about 1 or 2 century AD. That was the time where the Christian Church were persecuted & banish by The Roman Empire and Saint Valentine were among the victim of it. Saint Valentine itself were a missionary, a people who preach about Christianity & Gospel, and practice it dilligently with their attitude. Saint Valentine itself were so famous because of his attitude toward people specially outcast people, people that were socially banish from the public. He help them, comfort them, and stand before them against injustice from most of the public. He even stand before a slave to help them to be a free man ( in the ancient world, a human that turned to be slave were NOT a human, He's/She's  JUST a thing, a thing that can be wasted easily, they even more low than an animal). Because of his action, St Valentine were arrested, and put to jail. He's condemned mocking tthe emperor and sentenced a death penalty. The justice court itself were far from just, based from emperor decree the judge decided the cases before St Valentine even speak a word or two as a plea.

    But St Valentine itself remain calm the whole court, and he accept the sentence with a very glad heart, at least he's happy to know he's worthy enough to suffer Christ's suffering to the death. In the cell, he quickly made a friend with everyone, and on the day of his end, he send a letter to all his judge, jailer and executioner and everyone that condemned him, that he love them and forgave them for all harm they done to him. He even added that in the prison 'till now, he always pray to God for them, for they benefit, so they can have an everlasting happiness. Even in the face of death, St Valentine keep smiling and pray to God for them so God have mercy on their soul. Because of his letter on the day of his death, many of the jailer, gladiator, executioner and judge repent for their sin, and becoming a very strong & faithfull Christian. That the very brief history of this event.

    The true meaning of this event is of course LOVE. But not the love many people ever think about, not the love that we share among our friend, partner, beloved one etc, but TO LOVE EVERYONE AS TO LOVE YOURSELF. If we love everyone that love us, there is not any single use of it, but if we love our enemy as ourself, that the main key of all the love of it.
    St Valentine try to love everyone just like God love every human, despise all they action toward everyone and toward God. And he came to a more higher aspect, that is to love your enemies as yourself.

    Always remember that....this event were not for another fun. The Old Church always celebrate this event as The Annual Feast of Saint Valentine. And the real meaning were as i described earlier in the beginning, to memoir the martyrdom & death of Saint Valentine. It's not a very impoertant event though

    And for the love-love couple action,...............well.....u all better do that thing not in the Valentine day only, but anytime u got a chance to do it......even for ever and ever.

    If your love were very great, if you're  a lover, and if you love everyone just as what it's,....
    if u really really know the true meaning of it..........then everyday can become a Valentine Day if u try to love

    Posted at 2/14/2005 4:12:02 am by The Beloved Lucifiel
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    Saturday, February 12, 2005
    Preparing for Final Paper Expedition......Another Journey

    Finally i found a way (and time) to upload some file to my Ripway account. It's a very nice web actually, when u can keep some file on the net and access it from anywhere. I tell u all that Ripway have some solution i need on keeping my database out

    For now i have to prepare my expediton again soon. Some prepared plan is must if i have to get around Yogyakarta - Solo - Semarang just for another round of finding data. Archaeology data were of course rare indeed, and expensive too. Sometime it not available in the surface and we have to dig deep down on it. By the way, i'm now also try to fill my Virtual Tourist database. Virtual Tourist were a very good website for people that like to travel anywhere, because we can share to other about the place & anything we want about traveling. I like to travel, to see various place in the world or maybe in the universe. But i wonder......why i always found myself ended up in a "legendary, certainly, certified, infamous Haunted place", or any place that got a very very deep mystical aura inside it.....that a very BIG question i have to answer later on.

    I also try to fill some of my Deviant Art account, and it been very hard for me to fll it because it seem that i have lost any inspiration here. The Deviant Art itself were some good website were u can have your home-made art posted by u........just same as if u have a blog or two. Maybe i start it with some writing or something.

    time to chill out and enjoy the rose, i happen to hear my stomach calling me for some flling inside. By the way, i like tonight theme song in my Computer, it's a very up-beat song sung by KOTOKO to AKI called "Prime". The song is very very up-beat, i try soo much not to just dance around (well i DO dance around.....can't be helped, my body just dance by itself)...i don't have any lyric of the song but i tell u that this is a nice song indeed.

     

    Posted at 2/12/2005 12:45:46 am by The Beloved Lucifiel
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